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Skimm for January 13th

Skimm’d with hot chocolate

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Fantasy” – The flamboyant button-down El Chapo wore to meet Sean Penn has a name. It’s flying off the shelves. Drug kingpin, escape artist, fashion icon.

DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES

THE STORY

Last night, President Obama gave his annual self performance review. It was pretty much, “My name is Barack Obama and I AM the President.”

HOW’D IT GO?

This was Obama’s last SOTU, and things got a little emo. It was part policy speech, part victory lap, part not-so-subtle swipes at those running in 2016, part graduation soundtrack. Cue that Vitamin C song.

SO WHAT’D HE TALK ABOUT?

Obama focused less on a “checklist” of proposals and more on everyone’s favorite interview question: where does America see itself in five years? He has some thoughts...

The Economy...as in don’t believe the haters: ‘Murica’s got the ‘strongest economy in the world.’ Job growth, check. Auto industry, manufacturing going strong. Check, check. But Obama wants to see a new focus on education (think: universal Pre-K, affordable college) and programs for the Boca crowd (think: Social Security, Medicare).

Innovation...as in the US put a man on the moon, so why stop with the casual pastimes now? Hint: time to cure cancer. He said VP Joe Biden’s on it. Meanwhile, Obama thinks that breeze you’re feeling is years of investments in solar and wind energy paying off. Next up: building a transportation system that’s not so reliant on oil and coal.

National security…as in the US eats its Wheaties and is the “most powerful nation on Earth. Period.” *Spikes football* Obama upgraded ISIS from the “JV team” to “killers and fanatics.” But he also thinks everyone needs to calm down and quit calling this World War III. Especially since ISIS uses that kind of talk as a recruiting tool.

Being Nicer to Each Other...as in Obama says one of the “few regrets” of his presidency is that politics have gotten meaner. And when politicians do things like insult Muslims, “it’s just wrong.” He wants Americans to start demanding a better political system. Hint: campaign finance reform, making it easier to vote, stop thinking the other side’s out to get you. Maybe go to Bed Bath & Beyond if we have enough time.

WHO STAYED BEHIND?

Homeland Security Sec. Jeh Johnson. He had a slumber party with the Secret Service and some nuclear codes.

WHO DISAGREED?

Gov. Nikki Haley (R-SC) gave the GOP response. She reminded her party and everyone else that the blame game doesn’t get anything done. Haley called out Obama for being “either unwilling or unable to deal with” terrorism. She focused on issues where Republicans need to step up and make it happen: immigration, counter-terrorism, and the economy. She also made it clear that the GOP has options other than Trump. And then flashed a pearly white smile that blinded the nation.

theSKIMM

That was the sound of President Obama dropping the mic. There was even a ‘clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose’ vibe at the end. This speech summed up what the president thinks his legacy will be, and what he hopes the next prez will put at the top of his or her to-do list. And it was a reminder that next year he’ll turn back into a regular American citizen pumpkin.

REPEAT AFTER ME...

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU SEE A PIC OF YOUR SISTER IN YOUR FAVORITE JACKET…

Please return. That’s what the US Navy said yesterday after Iran took 10 US sailors into custody. The US said the sailors were in two small boats when mechanical issues may have caused them to drift into Iranian waters. Iran said they were trespassing. Cue US Sec. of State John Kerry FaceTiming with Iran’s foreign minister to say ‘WTF?’ Today, Iran said ‘relaaaax,’ and reportedly released the sailors. PS: all of this happened hours before President Obama — who’s pretty happy the Iran nuclear deal was done on his watch — gave his final State of the Union address. Great timing.

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR VACUUMS AT 2AM…

Not OK. Yesterday, the Supreme Court said ‘unconstitutional’ to how Florida hands down death penalty sentences. The case deals with a Florida man convicted of killing his co-worker back in the 90s. A jury recommended the death penalty, but didn’t explain exactly why. The judge then handed down the death penalty after independently looking into the case. The Supreme Court says the judge got too involved, and the jury should have had more of a say in the final sentencing. The ruling means this man’s case will go back to lower courts where he may be re-sentenced. But it could also mean more challenges in hundreds of death penalty cases in Florida and in other states that have a similar sentencing process. The ruling also comes as the death penalty is under a harsh spotlight across the country, with a lot of states re-examining the punishment.

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR WORK WIFE THROWS HER BAG DOWN AND DOESN’T SAY HELLO…

Channeling RBS today? Yesterday, word got out that the Royal Bank of Scotland recently gave some cheery advice to investors: “sell everything.” Apparently, RBS economists woke up to 2016, took a good look around at slowing trade, China’s economic stomach flu, rising interest rates, etc. and decided the global economy’s going to sh*t. Specifically, this year’s going to be “cataclysmic.” Great. Meanwhile, yesterday oil prices dropped it low to less than $30 a barrel. Aka prices not seen since 2003. Good news for your wallet if you drive to work. Bad news for the energy industry, and all the jobs that go along with it. RBS, aka the Grim Reaper, thinks oil will fall to $16 a barrel before 2016 is done. Go home, RBS. You’re drunk.

WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR FRIEND WHO LIVES IN LA…

Make room next to your Lakers jersey. Yesterday, NFL owners voted to allow the St. Louis Rams to relocate to Los Angeles. Hollywood is nothing new for the Rams — before moving to St. Louis, the Rams were LA’s team from 1946-1994. The owners also voted to give the San Diego Chargers an option to share a stadium with the Rams in LA. And if they say ‘pass,’ the Oakland Raiders are on deck. It’s been more than 20 years since LA’s had a football team, so your friend who only drinks green juice could soon be introduced to wings and beer.

WHAT TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU ABOUT YOUR WEEKEND PLANS…

Party at the Bahamas house...that you’re buying tonight...after you win the Powerball.

THING TO KNOW

Net worth: This is like the balance sheet of how wealthy someone really is. And life’s all about balance...on the yoga mat, at the breakfast table, and in your finances. Assets minus debts equals your net worth and tells you whether you can afford your future, and that yacht you’ve been eyeing. Hint: reply hazy, try again. Assets are things like your house and retirement fund. Debts are things like your student loans and what you owe the credit card company. Namaste is the thing you say when all this is in check.

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