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Skimm for September 17th

Skimm’d with lots of coffee.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Cool clock, Ahmed” — President Obama, tweeting his support for 14-year-old Ahmed Mohamed. The Muslim teenager from Texas was put in handcuffs yesterday after teachers thought he brought a bomb to school. It wasn’t a bomb. It was a clock he built himself.

IMMA LET YOU FINISH

THE STORY

Last night, the GOP went hard for its second debate. CNN hosted. Everyone took shots.

WHAT DID THEY TALK ABOUT?

Donald Trump. And whether he can be trusted with nuclear codes. Other water cooler topics: shmashmortion and whether it’s worth shutting down the government to defund Planned Parenthood. Whether the Iran deal is bad news (spoiler: many think it is). Whether or not the US should cancel its dinner date with China. Whether drug policy needs a makeover. Whether the US procrastinated on getting involved in Syria. Whether the president should say ‘hola,’ and how the US should deal with immigration. Whether it’s possible to set a world record for how many times Ronald Reagan can be mentioned in one debate. And what they’d pick for their Secret Service code names.

BREAK IT DOWN.

Sen. Rand Paul (KY) aka Justice Never Sleeps…as in the one who wants to know how many of you have smoked pot. He has a big problem with how the US’s drug policy disproportionately affects the poor.

Former Gov. Mike Huckabee (AR) aka Duck Hunter...as in the one who really hates the Supremes’ same-sex marriage decision. Really, really.

Sen. Marco Rubio (FL) aka Gator...as in the one your mom thinks is cute. He wants to make sure Donald would be prepared day one in the White House. And he doesn’t think President Obama’s put the US in a position to win in Syria.

Sen. Ted Cruz (TX) aka Cohiba...as in the one who thinks Planned Parenthood is a “criminal enterprise.” He regrets supporting Chief Justice John Roberts’s nomination and says the Iran nuclear deal should be ripped up.

Dr. Ben Carson aka One Nation...as in the one who’s ‘not a politician.’ He thinks that undocumented immigrants with good records should have a path to find legal work in the US. And no, Jake Tapper, he won’t insult anyone.

Donald Trump aka Humble...as in ‘why is everyone so obsessed with me?’ He can’t be bought by campaign donors, unlike some (cough, Jeb, cough). He’ll figure out foreign policy by the time he’s in office. And this just in, Carly Fiorina has a beautiful face.

Former Gov. Jeb! Bush (FL) aka Ever-Ready…as in the pothead. He also enjoys speaking Espanol and loves his family. When asked about the Iraq war, he said baby bro Dubya “kept us safe.”

Gov. Scott Walker (WI) aka Harley…as in the one with the best pre-planned dig. He thinks raising the minimum wage is “lame,” and getting an education is a better way for people to up their paychecks.

Carly Fiorina aka Secretariat...as in the one who did her homework. She has a plan for her first day in office and pretty much everything else, including heat for “Mrs. Clinton.”

Gov. John Kasich (OH) aka Unit Two...as in he’s the moderate in the room. He’s got a long record and wants you to know it. He also doesn’t think shutting down the government to defund Planned Parenthood is a good look for the GOP.

Gov. Chris Christie (NJ) aka True Heart…as in the one who wants everyone to stop fighting so they can focus on you, middle class America. He’s also got a plan for reining in Social Security.

theSKIMM

It’s still early. It’s still everyone’s game. And now that includes Carly Fiorina. Bottom line: three hours is too long for a debate.

REPEAT AFTER ME...

WHAT PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT…

Last night, a massive 8.3 magnitude earthquake struck off the coast of Chile. At least five people were killed and about a million people were evacuated from their homes in case of a tsunami. But Chile isn’t the only country on edge. Places as close as Peru and as far away as Hawaii and California are all on high alert for a tsunami.

WHAT TO SAY IF WAITING FOR THE FED’S DECISION DRIVES YOU TO DRINK...

It’s Miller time. That’s what Anheuser-Busch InBev said yesterday when it saddled up to SABMiller with a takeover offer. These two companies own basically every brand in the beer aisle. So a merger would mean the creation of a global super-brewer. Think: tens of billions in annual revenue, and a market value of about $275 billion. But they may want to wait before officially tapping the keg. Regulators could look at the combined company and say, ‘it’s skunked.’ And t he beer industry isn’t the only one in the takeover mood. Overnight, Altice (European cable company) announced it’s buying Cablevision (American cable company). The deal will create the fourth-largest cable company in the US.

WHAT TO SAY WHEN THE FRIENDS YOU INTRODUCED MAKE PLANS WITHOUT YOU...

I see how it is. Yesterday, two of Uber’s biggest rivals announced that they’re teaming up. Lyft (the one with the pink mustachioed cars) is getting together with Didi (the one that’s big in China) to let people use their apps interchangeably while traveling. So if you’re on business in Beijing, you’ll be able to use the Lyft app to hail a Didi car. The companies are also reportedly talking to ride-sharing services in India and Singapore to expand the partnership party. Uber need not RSVP. Burn, since Uber’s been trying to make it big in China...and has been eating Didi’s dust. At least there’s no love lost. Uber and Lyft have accused each other of sabotage in the past. Road, meet rage.

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU REMEMBER THE UN GENERAL ASSEMBLY IS STARTING...

This should make for some light small talk. Yesterday, US Sec. of State John Kerry said that Russia has approached the US to chat military strategy in Syria. Reminder: Syria has been going through a hellish civil war for years. The US and Russia don’t see eye-to-eye on how it should end. But they do agree that ISIS – which is freeloading off the crisis to grab more power – has to go. The US is hitting the group with airstrikes in Syria, and lately Russia’s been bulking up its military presence on the ground. Kerry says any talks with Russia would be about staying out of each other’s way. And speaking of US strategy, yesterday a top military official told Congress that there are “four or five” US-trained Syrian rebels currently on the battlefield. That is not a typo. The goal was 5,400.

WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR CO-WORKER AFTER HER BAD DATE...

Bacon fixes everything.

THING TO KNOW

Steve Rannazzisi: A comedian on FX’s fantasy football show “The League.” For years, he’s told a story about how he escaped from the World Trade Center on 9/11. Turns out, that’s not-so-true and not-so-funny.

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